White noise

“I can’t go on living this way,
(but) I can’t go back the way I came …”

The days slide by, empty. White noise is nothing, but it is what I hear now. I used to dream of things, think of so many things, but now there is nothing, a blankness. Once in a while, there is a hint of the old creative self, but usually, in a flash of remembering the current depression, it is gone. I am still enclosed in a white haze of pain. Someday I might feel differently, but I don’t think so.

I thought I would feel something more, I would feel the presence of my mom. I thought that even though she was physically gone, she wouldn’t be, really. But I don’t feel anything, I don’t hear or see anything, any sign of her, and that makes me feel very sad and disappointed. I am empty. It might sound weird, but I was hoping for that, and even counting on it. I thought she would always be with me.

Now I know that the light at the end of the tunnel is just white nothingness. That’s it.


One thought on “White noise

  1. I am sure that the sharpness of your pain will lessen, but certainly, the reality of it will last a long time. I am also sure that, even as my wife and I can now talk about the loss of her mother in 2007 with a fond remembrance, the time will come when you do see memories of her in places and things and sensations that you could never have expected. Even now, I am wearing a wind breaker of hers each morning, and it brings me happy memories of my 31 years with her. Still, it seems to take forever before you can arrive at that point.

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